I should be happy now...right? I should be content, better prepared, and happy because I got what I had wanted. But its just so hard to step back into this with open arms and feel like everything is going to be alright. I took a step back, we had our time apart. I know, I know..I have to give it time. But I thought the second we got back into it I would feel those strong feelings I have had for you for all this time. I pictured me being ecstatic about a new beginning with you, but now I'm just confused. For now, I am blaming these feelings on me, I feel the need to be protective and I definitely have my guard up. I am not trying to feel this way, if it were up to me I would throw my arms around you and be completely happy. I can't, it's not that I wont, I just...can't. It's so hard to trust your love. It's so hard to pretend like you were not the one for all my hurt lately. I still love you, I still need you in my life but I'm not sure If I'm crying because I am scared to lose my boyfriend or if I'm scared to lose my best friend. You know me in and out. I have let you learn more about me then I have let anyone else in my entire life. I just don't understand why you had to do the devils work in the form of god.
I can't think anymore...that was me typing from the top of my thoughts & that last sentence is something I have to think about. I have to think about why of all things, those words came to mind. (to be continued...)
