Losing you would be like losing my heart, You're my everything, I tell you things I wouldn't/couldn't tell others. You're here for me, I'm here for you. You're what I look forward to when i wake up in the mornings. You're the one I want to keep. I want you in my life. But I have to look at the reality of this because I'm tired of crying over you...
I broke up with Cory yesterday, well...I guess we're just on a break. He needs to change. I love him, he's my best friend. I don't want to lose him, that would be too much of a dramatic change in my life that I am not ready for (neither is he), and hopefully never ready for. I have been thinking about this for a while, and tried talking to him about it, trying to make him realize how serious I am about this. Since I have been with him, the major changes in my life have been that I was kicked out for smoking weed for about 3 months, I'm back home and have a refined perspective on life, Lauren isn't my friend anymore (which I don't mind), But I know who my real friends are, I lost my job, I got a new job.
I'm so confused as to what to think. HE was the one who has been here for me through it all, from finding me rides home from work to riding his bike to meet me so I wouldn't walk home alone in the rain, from letting me spend the night to sleeping outside with me on some of the coldest nights. These are the things that meant the most. He is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me. But lately I've noticed things have been changing, maybe he is getting too comfortable or maybe we just hang out way too much?
But for some reason, there are certain things that he doesn't do that I would expect out of a boyfriend; such as stick up for me when his words would be more worthy than mine, he's never taken me out on a date or bought me anything out of free will (or for that matter anything at all), other than that rose that I treasure very much from Valentines Day. Basically I just don't feel appreciated I guess. It makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. I know he loves me, but sometimes I have these doubts.
Anyways, I've been hinting, telling, crying, explaining to him that I feel our relationship has been kind of rocky lately. I tell him why I think this and he makes a change but it only last for a few days. So it gets me thinking, does he really care? I could honestly say I take his feelings into consideration with everything, I really do. He doesn't. I guess this just comes so naturally to me and not so much to him. Anyways I tell him always over and over again ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
Well a few days before he got his first real paycheck he told me that we can go do something with that money that he gets, something along the lines of going on a date or shopping. I mean don't get me wrong, I know this sounds like a money issue...but it's not, it's a keep your word/caring/respect issue. So anyways the second he gets off of work the day of payday, he instantly goes to spend $200 on weed off of a $300some paycheck. He gets this for a good deal, its not all for him to smoke but to sell in order to get his money back plus more, I understand that. Good idea, cool, great. That's not the point, I was waiting for him to propose to go out or spend some good quality time together, never happened. What did he do with the last $100? He used it to pay back people he owed. Why did he owe these people money? Weed. Another $20 of that went to his brother and he gave him a free gram of again...weed. I just thought if he knew our relationship was somewhat in trouble, he would make the effort for us to do things together. I mean he had money to pay people back and could have had money left over, he didn't need to buy what he bought, he didn't need to give his brother money. Why couldn't he wait until his next paycheck to do this?
I understand this is family and in all honesty I have no place to talk, but when his brother came over that night all they do is talk about how they do drugs, with children present. There was no guilt as they were talking just laughing. It's like a joke to them. They always say they have no money, but yet I always hear about what drug they're took, about to take or what they are going to pick up blah blah blah. So when Cory agreed to give them money...I was just kind of baffled. To me, it just shows that he supports what they do. It just makes me sad & wonder where Cory's train of thought goes. Anyways I'm getting a little off topic here. I just want whats good for Cory, I know he knows right from wrong but he just doesn't act on it. That's the change I need in him if we plan on staying together. No, it's more like if he doesn't want to lose me. He can't do me any good if he doesn't do any good for himself first.
So yesterday I took him to work risking getting caught because of the fact I'm not allowed to drive my car unless of emergencies or work related things. So when I drop him off I let him know if he gets off before my dad gets home I'll pick him up since his bike was at his brothers and it would be too hot for him to walk. He calls me around 2ish and my dad usually gets home around 230-330. So I decide okay I'll risk this again, because it would be too ridiculous to have him walk home. But instead of going straight home we stop by his brothers to pick up the bike. It doesn't fit in my car so he told me he would ride it home. On the back of the truck that's in the driveway he sees an ipod, he tells me to go ahead and go home because he needs to give them (Kevin his brother & Matt) the ipod. The second he said that it was so predictable what was going to happen next. I knew he was going to walk in that house just so he could smoke, it wasn't about the ipod...it was just another way he could get high. So i get home and I'm waiting..waiting..waiting. Finally I call him to ask where hes at and he chuckles and said he was smoking w his brother but should be home soon. I'm just so offended and hurt...I just risked getting myself into so much trouble; This was for what? So that I could just drop him off so he can go smoke more weed while I wait for him? It's just disrespectful & I felt so used.
I'm so torn, hurt, confused, heartbroken...with all of these actions he's taking part of how does this show me he is doing good for himself, me or us? How does this show he cares?
So I decided to end it with him because his world revolves around weed and his actions are based on how he can get a hold of it or be in a situation where he gets to smoke. Smoking is Cory's answer to everything from being bored, having stomach aches, being cold...one time I was upset at him and he handed me a packed bong saying, "Here, smoke this so you can go back to normal." He is blind to it. It so disappointing because this isn't the first time I brought up his problem to him. It's all in his actions...his words do not mean anything to me if his actions are showing me the complete opposite. So basically I've been telling him this for a while, repeating it more times than I could remember. So what's the last thing he says to me when we are having the conversation about breaking up? "Well, there's obviously nothing I can say that is going to change your mind." Nothing you can say? OMFG are you kidding me? I dont...how could he...what is he thinking!? HELLO!? OF COURSE NOT...I WANT ACTIONS! Your words mean shit.
So right now, I'm waiting for his actions to change...yes waiting for him like I always do. Just waiting for that phone call or whatever it will be, when he tells me he wants to do this and be serious about it. I get it, every relationship has its ups and downs but we've been headed south for longer than needed.
There are some things that are more important than weed. Bottom line, I'm moving forward and if he is slowing me down in any which way I have to let him go as much as I wouldn't want to and even though my heart would be crushed. I love him. I just hope he loves me too.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
